Today is a more serious blog post and for a while I have been wanting to do it, however I’ve put it off for ages and I finally come to the conclusion that I really don’t care if the people who bullied me see this because at the end of the day they shouldn’t of done it and I’ve also realized that if getting my story out there it will help a few people then so be it.
It sounds weird but I’ve been bullied ever since I could properly remember school. I remember I when I was in year 3, 4 and 5 and was bullied because my hair is naturally frizzy and curly and I was taunted about it for ages. Looking back it may seem stupid something so silly but from the ages of 7-10 I was ridiculed for my hair.
When I found out I was moving school I was so happy to start fresh in a new school and have new friends. To many people it would have been scary to move in the last year of primary school and to leave their old friends but I remember when I went into that school and was telling the teachers that I was leaving and I couldn’t wait. The thought of moving schools and making new friends excited me because I thought that I would have the chance to have a nice friendship group without my old ‘friends’ being there to tell them lies about me. However it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be.
Starting a new school in year 6 was bound to be hard, everyone had their friendship groups and had been friends for years and there was little Courtney joining with no friends. To start off I was happy, well happier than I was in my old school. I would excel in English and struggle in Maths but my only problems at that school was getting my Maths to a good level. That was until the bullying started again. Once again for my hair this time the colour. My hair was a naturally mousy brown shade. It was brown but with blonde highlights but extremely dull. This is when I started getting called ‘grey hound’. Again now looking back if someone said that to me now I would laugh at them and tell them to jog on but having low confidence in my old school to having a chance to be happier it knocked me down even harder. The boys would make jokes out of my hair colour and refer me to ‘grey hound’ which is demoralizing because I’m a human not a dog and looking back thinking how the teachers wouldn’t do anything about it is awful because their job is to protect children, and knocking the bullying out of them would have been much more successful rather than leaving it till they were used to treating people in that way. I remember I made friends with a girl called Kinza, who happened to be bullied too however we both would stick up for each other and it felt nice to have a group of friends. I remember I would feel so lonely at times I would spend my breaks and lunches volunteering at the nursery which had much younger kids in. I think that’s where I developed my love for little children. I would also be very attached to my younger sister, knowing that she was having a hard time I would beg the teachers to let me go and see her and visit her during breaks and lunches and I think that is where I became an overprotective sister.
Towards the end of year 6 I made some friends and we looked forward to going to high school / secondary school. We became kind of close friends even though we drifted apart in year 7.
So I started secondary school and being in year 7 I felt slightly intimidated by anyone above me however I settled in quickly. My year 7 started okay and I felt happy. I made some new friends and I felt like it was going to be different. However I became “friends” with this girl (lets call her F) so me and ‘F’ was kind of friends. We wouldn’t spend breaks or lunch times together, however in our science classes we would work together however it all changed. Still to this day I have no idea why the bullying started with her and her friends and I probably never will know, because I am certain there was never a real reason. So F and her friends started being horrible to me. It was silly little things at first, like the looking and whispering about me. Quickly it progressed to actually name calling at me. Bitching about me behind my back. Literally right behind my back. It got to me and honestly I felt like it couldn’t get any worse but it did.
In year 8 and 9 it got really bad. It would be mainly in PE things would start. This one girl accusing me of cheating and getting her friends to back her up even though they didn’t see. One day there was a game of hiding the flag and having to find it and each team could protect there flag but they had to keep moving, anyway basically what happened I was accused of moving the flag and holding it to stop the other team from getting it. Which is ridiculous because I knew how much crap I would get if I did that so why would I purposely get myself into their nastiness. Things like this would happen every lesson, and one time I remember we were playing bench ball and I was guarding the ball, being tall I had the perks of being able to catch the ball if it was to fall short. I take it F didn’t like the fact that she couldn’t get the ball and got frustrated so she shoved me. I brushed it off and gave her the benefit of doubt and thought to myself she could have just accidentally or went to fall so pushed me. Unsurprisingly she pushed me again and this time I had enough so I confronted her, and she defended herself only to have her ‘minions’ shall we call it just because of referencing to Gossip Girl to lighten this situation. They started having a go and she raised her voice at me, so I couldn’t cope and I ran out of the building. I was followed by her and her friends and her friends from other classes until she came right up in my face and started shouting at me calling me names and all sorts with her friends surrounding me. All of my friends (that I had) but one actually stuck up for me which is Chloe and I am so glad that I am still really good friends with Chloe, she’s always been there for me and she has witnessed what I went through and was always there to tell me that it wasn’t okay for them to do that. I remember there was numerous times the teacher or Chloe would bring my bag and uniform out of the changing rooms and I would left in the PE teachers office to get changed away from them girls.
Whether it was after that class or a different PE lesson I remember we had English and I was so scared to go because these girls that really didn’t like me would be there but I was forced to make myself to that class and without even entering I could hear them all talking about me.
“she’s such a snake”
“why does she have to cry”
“she had to go and get me in trouble”
I started believing that it was my fault that they were making me feel like this. It wasn’t my fault but it sure did feel like it. They found out I was outside crying and started calling me names even louder, this is when I was sent to the SDC “Student Development Centre” this is where we had deputy head of year or key stage and I was sent to them. I was made to write statements but nothing ever changed. I remember going home crying my eyes out in front of my mum which she had never even seen before.
In February 2013, when the trend was these hot or not videos that’s when it hit me really hard but I bounced back. The idea of this video was to like a FaceBook status and they say your name and reply with a simple ‘hot’ or ‘not’ reply, nothing less, nothing more. Just a simple ‘hot’ or ‘not’ like a yes or no. Obviously this wasn’t the case and here is what was said.
F: Courtney Cummins
Friend 1: You’re Butters
F’s Sister: You’re awful
Friend 1: Don’t like the status if you are going to be offended
F: Don’t like the status if you don’t like me, you don’t like me so don’t like my things
this is when F’s sister was asking about me. She didn’t even know me yet she was so quick to judge on other peoples opinions.
F: The one who thinks shes good at ice skating when she’s really not
F’s Sister: You’re f*cking awful, you yeah
Friend 1: Bless you, you’re a really nice person
F’ Sister: mate you’re a horse, not even a dog yeah? You’re a horse.
This video hurt me, only because of the fact they took it way too far. It also confused me how the attitudes changed from being nasty to me and then starting to be nice trying to justify their words before. Also the opinion of someone I didn’t even know judge me so quickly.
This video wasn’t really spoken about only really behind my back and I don’t know why because it was pretty evident it was being spoken about behind my back.
That summer the girl was moved from my set and all of a sudden it started dying down. I was relieved but it wasn’t okay.
I started having panic attacks and getting anxiety from going to school. It was pretty much every day going in, I would have this negative outlook on my school and I felt sad. I couldn’t stay friends with someone because I had gained paranoia from the bullying. It’s slowly died out to only being after half terms but yet I still get them. Having two weeks off for Christmas, I woke up to the same nightmare that I used to get and developed the feeling of nausea, just because I was going back to school.
This summer will be my two years of being bullying free. Don’t get me wrong there is still people to this day who try and use my past as a weakness however I have now learnt to standing up for myself.
I want people to think of the after effects of bullying. Nearly two years on and I still get paranoia and anxiety. I shouldn’t have to feel this way but honestly it’s too late. The words have been said, the actions were taken and the apologies I never received.
What I’m trying to say is even if you are being bullied, it does get better but speak to teachers and persist to get it sorted. I’m hoping it will take you a lot less time to get it sorted and I really hope no one has to go through this or worse.
Everyone knows what bullying can cause, and what effects it has so don’t let yourself be responsible or held to it if anyone hurts themselves over your actions.
My Twitter is @courtneybekahx and honestly I am always here if anyone wants to talk about it, just follow me and say you want to talk and i’ll follow you right back and i’ll help you get through this.
I honestly hope no one has to accouter this behavior and I am hoping by writing this blog post I can have closure to what has happened to me and I can start a new chapter in helping other people.
Sorry for the over 2000 words I’m sorry this is like an English essay.
I love you all from the bottom of my heart
Lots of Love
please speak out and don’t suffer in silence like I did
please share this amongst your friends and help get the message out
stay strong you can get through this <3